Inner Reflections Transcribed

The lovely Organica asked me to explain the various customs and practises involved in Pakistani weddings. So I shall try to explain them as fully as I can.

For those knowledgeable about these customs, please impart your fountain onto me should I err or inadequately explain anything.

A typical Pakistani wedding occurs over 5-7 main events which can take place over 7 days in a row, but usually are spread over a few months/weeks. 

Post Acceptance of Proposal

Event 1: Maniyaan (Engagement)

Pre-Wedding Days

Event 2: Dholki

Event 3: Mendhi (girls side)

Event 4: Mendhi (boys side)

Wedding Day

Event 5: Nikkah

Event 6: Baraat

Event 7: Rukhsati

Post Wedding

Event 8: Waleemah

Event 9: Makhlawa

This entry will detail the Maniyaan and & Dholki events.

Event 1: Maniyaan/Maiyaan is basically the engagement and occurs after the bride’s parents approve of the groom and accept the wedding proposal. This can either be a lavish affair, or a small family only gathering. It involves exchange of rings which solemnize bethrotal and acceptance of the proposal and impending marriage.

Typically the boys mother will choose the ring for the girl and put the ring on her and on the other side,  the girls father will put the ring (chosen by the brides mother) on the groom-to-be due to conservative practise of no physical touching to occur prior to marriage amongst some families. After this there may be cake cutting, but if not will always involve a feast. The engagement is thrown by the brides family and expenses are incurred by them for the event, in terms of food and hall hire (if applicable).

Some families may not undergo a formal engagement party. Other methods after verbal acceptance of proposal can include gifting the girl with clothes, jewellery or any other items from the family. The boy may also gift her with an item of his choosing. This marks the beginning of the waiting period, which could be a few weeks, or months or even years for the wedding day and events to come.

Event 2: Dholki

Dholki nights = dholki taken from dhol=drum, dholok = drumming.

This occurs in the week leading up to the henna night and is a women’s only event. Women, old and young gather together, with one being the drummer and one sitting opposite her with a spoon or other metal cutlery, tapping away on the dhol according to the rythym of the beats. Sometimes a duff is also used.

They sing wedding songs, usually those relating to the bride to be and her groom, about their relationship with each other and of course the dreaded mother in law!  Most of these songs are Punjabi folk in origin and are also sung at Sikh weddings:

Punjabi dholak geet - The evening will start with female relatives and friends of the bride playing the Dholki and singing Suhaag, which are traditional Punjabi folk songs. Songs include ‘jokes’ about the in-laws, and would be husband, how to have a successful marriage and songs about the bride leaving her parents home.

There is much merriment, laughter and teasing which takes place. The dholki is kept by both the bride and the groom’s family respectively, however they do not attend each others dholki nights. The only time when each family attend one anothers event begins from the henna/mendhi night.

Next entry will detail the Event 3 and Event4: Mendhi Night

Hands up who takes offence to being equated to sex toys and brainless bimbos’?

Hands up who finds it insulting to being called a blown up sex doll?

Hands up who takes being called a houri a complement?

Why is it deemed to be a complement? Why when someone comments on your skin colour, or eyes or other features they may refer to you as “Jannat ki hoor” (heavenly maiden) is this took to be a good thing? Something to feel flattered about? Why is there disgust with Bratz dolls, with people calling them slutty and sexualised - when they resemble the wide eyed houri’s profoundly?

And when taunted with “houri’s will curse you” at what can only be counted as mundane disagreement or falling out with your spouse -

Ibn Maja

Ibn Maja (824 - 887) was a medieval hadith collector, not all authentic. His collection is named the Sunan Ibn Maja.

“Houris do not want wives to annoy their husbands, since the houris will also be the wives of the husbands in the afterlife. “Mu’adh bin Jobal (Allah be pleased with him) reported that Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, ‘A woman does not annoy her husband but his spouse from amongst the maidens with wide eyes intensely white and deeply black will say: Do not annoy him, may Allah ruin you.” He is with you as a passing guest. Very soon, he will part with you and come to us.”^[50][51]

how can one not find this to link into the concept of ideal and desirable woman being submissive, and robotic? That her duty is only to tend to her demi-God (husband)?

Are these my peculiar sensitivities or do others agree there is some ground to feeling insulted when likened to “heavenly sex toys”?